The Bachelorette Recap: Nobody asked for Tia to return, yet here we are

Welcome to hometowns, the episode where we will be supplied with a whole new batch of judgmental facial reactions from family members!

 

Garrett’s hometown is up first, and after Becca throws herself dramatically into his arms (that’s her move), he comes up with the romantic date of…manual labor? Nah, I’m out. Plus, Garrett asks Becca if she can see herself doing this after the show is over. Sure, if the $100,000s from Instagram endorsements don’t work out as a career plan, Becca can just fall back on tomato farming.

Garrett’s family seems like a really fun bunch. In case you hadn’t heard that Garrett was married before, don’t worry, it’s discussed. I feel like there is some kind of satanic shrine where Garrett’s family burns pictures of said ex-wife. Becca, how are you not old enough at this point to know that when someone has ‘a crazy ex’ it’s kind of a red flag? Maybe dig into this relationship a little more, instead of just nodding along so his family likes you? Maybe ask just one family members who they voted for in 2016? Honestly, I can’t help this b***h anymore.

 

The next date is with Jason, in Buffalo. He brings Becca to a wings-eating contest, so he is already miles ahead of Garrett, because unlimited food > > > doing farmhand work. They also make out on a Zamboni, and despite the fact that I’ve spent exactly 7.5 minutes of my life in Buffalo, i feel like they have truly captured the essence of the place.

Jason’s brother is an adorable vision of what Jason would look like if he didn’t slick his hair back. Also the brother and his husband are hands down the cutest couple on this show. There is really no drama with this family, and it’s wrapped up with Jason telling Becca he loves her.

 

We move on to a beautiful snowy landscape to find Blake. Ok, confession time. Blake is by far my favorite and has been from day 1, but I still forget his name every five minutes (thrilling season!). I was hoping that his hometown date would include some snowy activity and possibly mulled wine, but they go to…his high school?? Listen, this is some ‘I peaked in high school’ bullshit, and you need to run far, far away from that. Blake introduces Becca to his teachers, which is interesting considering the fact that his sob story is that his mom had an affair with one of said teachers.

Blake then opens up to Becca about how his school experienced a shooting while he was there. It’s quite a contrast when you compare him to Garrett, who liked a post accusing the Parkland kids of being crisis actors. This is honestly tearing me up as I have the sneaking suspicion Becca will end up choosing Garrett. Blake is such a sweetheart, and I just want to give him the biggest hug ever.

 

(Yes, I’m choosing to ignore the school talent show with Betty Who. I feel like I just took a large amount of drugs and that’s the only way I’m seeing this on my screen.)

 

Colton is our last date, and things got spicy. Becca says there’s been an ‘unexplainable connection’ between her and Colton. I can explain it—he’s hot. They go spend time with the kids that Colton helps out with his foundation, and even my cold dead heart is melting a bit at that adorable little girl. Post hospital, Becca grills Colton’s entire family on whether he’s ready to get married because he’s only had one serious relationship. I call hella bullshit on that; she’s worried about the fact that he’s a virgin but probably doesn’t want to bring that up in front of the entire famiyl. Colton tells Becca that she’s the first girl he’s brought home, which would be cute if the Internet didn’t exist to point out Colton’s extremely famous ex-girlfriend Aly Raisman had in fact met the family. You really didn’t think that one through, did you bud?

Becca’s television-approved girl crew is back, and I don’t know why Becca is not more suspicious. They don’t keep flying your friends out cause they like you girl! Over mimosas, Becca informs them that Jason is the best kisser, which seems like a dumb thing to say on camera if you’re not 100% sure you’re marrying Jason. Although, you might be marrying a closet racist, so I guess there are bigger issues. Tia goes ahead and decides she has not had her full 15 minutes of fame, and decides to drop the bomb that she’s still into Colton. Becca essentially lets us all know she doesn’t give a shit. Usually, I’d be all for supporting your female friends and backing off, but Tia has been extremely bitter and manipulative IMO. Becca, get yourself some better friends. Also, Tia is taking screen time away from baby Bekah and Kendall, and I’m not about that.

Well, the rose ceremony comes around, and you just know that Jordan is dying at all these outfits (and I’m including Becca’s Wheel of Fortune presenter dress in that). Colton is sent home, but not before he gets a super embarrassing on-screen conversation with Chris Harrison about whether he’ll be forced to have sex in the fantasy suites. Well, we’re all out of virgins, so we’ll see you next week for some undeniably sexy time!

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