The Bachelorette, Episode 7 Recap: Colton’s Just a Virgin Who Can’t Drive

I would like to start with a complaint directed at ABC. Because I live in England, I’ve been indoctrinated into watching Love Island —— less of a reality show and more of a lifestyle, as it’s on every damn night and people turn out to vote for which idiot contestant should be kicked out with more passion than they exhibited for the Brexit vote. It honestly feels like the nation’s number one sport, and I’m speaking at a time when England just made it to the World Cup semifinals for the first time in approximately 1000 years. Anyways, in the last week, Love Island has had seven breakups, featured the c-word uttered on TV, a lie detector test, an editing scandal, and a stripper competition, while the Bachelorette has offered us a 1.5 hour extravaganza of Becca slowly picking which four of these bland-ass men she wanted to accompany on awkward family reunions. I’m just saying, ABC can do better.

In other news, the state of Virginia paid ABC $536,000 to promote its ‘Virginia is for Lovers’ campaign, although that Abraham Lincoln impersonator did not make me want to get slutty in VA. Related: the next time a government official claims there’s not enough money for Medicaid, just refer him or her to the above.

The one piece of tea this week is Colton’s virginity, because we always need a Bachelor virgin, now that Queen Ashley I is happily engaged. Quick take, though: I’m slightly weirded out by everyone’s reaction. It’s 2018, can we maybe not be so judgmental about other peoples’ sex lives?? There are real issues in the world (looking at you, idiots who voted Frankie off of Love Island instead of Charlie). Becca had her weekly meltdown over the big V-card announcement, but Colton still gets the rose, because, well, have you seen him?

Date #2 goes to Garrett. Just saying, if you were going to cry over something this week, Becca, you should maybe have saved it for the closet racist. Becca is suspicious of Garrett (progress!) but actually decides she’s over it cause he’s cute and they went in a plane. Yawn, next.

Blake gets the last one-on-one and it’s a lightly-populated Baha Men(!) concert by the beach. It’s a confusing move, because we would tune in and watch without the ‘celebrity’ appearances (cause we’re messy bitches who live for drama duh) so unclear why the need to be setting money on fire. Either they didn’t know what to do with the sudden influx of half a mil, or Blake pissed a producer off and they wanted to embarrass him as much as possible with his dance moves.

Blake’s sob story is that he has trouble opening up, but also he just told the entire viewership of the Bachelorette about his mom’s affair. The results have come in, and we have determined that is a lie. Also, hometowns should be awk after Blake snitched on his mom: ‘Hi, mom, here’s my new girlfriend, she already knows you’re a huge skank.’ Becca loves an emotional mess, so Blake gets the rose.

We are now left with the fight for the spot as the least desired man on Becca’s hometown rota group date. Tbh, I feel like I have a very good sense of Becca’s taste at this point – bland men and aggressively sequined outfits. Wills’s downfall was that cheetah print RompHim at the beginning of this episode — there’s only space for one aggressively patterned individual in this relationship!

Also, Leo and his magnificent mane are sent home. I feel that, as I too would struggle to date someone with better hair than me. Becca then sends Wills home, and gives exactly zero shits about his crying. Why would she? She now has a set of interchangeable dudes with which to get her revenge on Arie and Lauren. (Wills for Bachelor/my boyfriend 2019!)

Jason gets the final rose, and I’m impressed. Big comeback from being the only guy whose name she forgot while on a group date. He’s going home next week, though.

Tune in next week for my continued criticism all of Becca’s choices and complain about the lack of strippers on this show.

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