The Bachelorette Recap: Turn down for smashing shit

 Welcome back to week 2 of The Jordan Show.

Today, we have our first group date, where Jordan gets to live out his dream of having an expensive tux purchased for him only for it to turn into a nightmare when he has to drag said suit through mud.

I’m really here for the part of the date where Becca gets to drink champagne while watching these men get changed. Yes, girl, objectify them. #Feminism!!

Rachel and Bryan introduce the task to the men, and I’m honestly not too interested in this heavy-handed metaphor for marriage some ABC intern has dreamed up. The key point is that everyone is way too angry about Lincoln cheating on this. He won a giant fake plastic ring, my dudes, you’re all still hot-ish and will get a chance to make out with Becca later.

The drama of the evening is giving me incredible PTSD flashbacks to babysitting the spoiled Upper West Side toddlers from hell. Lincoln is proudly showing off the fake wedding picture of him and Becca, which apparently sets Connor of so much he chucks in into the pool. I mean I appreciate the pettiness level of throwing things out of the window, it’s truly a statement (and he has a good throw so points for that) but also why does everyone care so much about the picture? I wait for the day that the Bachelorette Prison Experiment has as much weight in textbooks explaining human behaviour as the Stanford one.

Lincoln decides to tattle to Becca, and honestly girl did not go through however many months of Stockholm Syndrome with Arie only to have to spend her big revenge show using “mommy voice” with these idiots. Meanwhile, Jean Blanc gets the rose, and it’s all cute until you remember he’ll never love Becca as much as he loves his cologne collection. Run, bitch.

Also real question to all my fellow stalkers fans of the franchise. What’s worse, being a flat earther or shitting on the floor? Asking for a friend. And by a friend, I mean Becca, someone I care about more than 95% of my actual social circle.

The first one-on-one goes to Blake, the actual human embodiment of white man mediocrity. He rode in on an ox, a fact I appreciate him mentioning as I could not for the life of me place him before this. Also, can we discuss how fantastic this date is? The montage of Becca smashing Arie’s face with a baseball bat to ‘turn down for what’ is probably the greatest piece of artwork the Bachelor franchise has ever created. I hope they get an Emmy for this.

I would also like to congratulate Blake’s good character and/or stupidity for wanting to date Becca after seeing what exactly is in store for him if their relationship goes south. All I’m saying is girl knows how to swing a bat, and who knows what would have happened if the real Arie had been in the room instead of that fugly couch. Meanwhile, I actually really like Blake and Becca and I’m rooting for him. I swear, the internet police better not discover that he’s a racist or a floor shitter.

The next group date sees Becca in metallic shorts, bringing another group of men to be physically destroyed. And half of them get to wear hot pink gym outfits! I would also like to know who lent their children to this endeavour. Mean little girl for Bachelorette season 27 though. She’ll just have 25 men crying from week 1 while she screams at them that they’re trash, and that’s the kind of content I’m here for.

At the cocktail party, Colton decides to admit to Becca that he dated Tia before coming on the show, but definitely is here for the right reasons. It is cold that you already know Becca is keeping this dude on without even a courtesy text to Tia. Remember the picture of them holding hands on the after the final rose couch?


*Hears sploosh of photo hitting pool*

The cocktail ceremony chugs on with the expected amount of boredom until Jordan decides to spice shit up by getting naked. Thank you for your service, kind sir.

‘I want her to fall in love with my personality’ Jordan informs us, taking off his suit. If you’re wondering how getting naked is a good move to get a woman to see your deeper side, Jordan wants us to know that he’s not just some guy with hair. I’m semi-convinced this is all some extended performance art piece. Honestly, I just know whichever producer talked Jordan into this move got a promotion, and my heart warms for their success.

Meanwhile, Colton the friend-fucker, Lincoln the cry baby, and Connor of the anger issues, all get to say. I’m pretty sure a producer is off on the sidelines with a gun to Becca’s head so she keeps Jordan around. And three randoms who I didn’t even realise were on the show get sent home.

Well, see you all next week where we can expect more scathing Jordan commentary about the other mens’ clothes, handshakes, and entire existence!

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