Bachelor Recap: Dead Rats, Google, and Republicans

Hometowns! Where ABC teased so much drama, but everyone’s weird families ended up liking Arie. Is he holding them hostage at gun point? Soviet mind control? We are unfortunately also continuing without Bekah M, gone but not forgotten, who I assume would have given us some prime TV on a hometown date. Why must we be cheated like this.

 

On a serious note, every single one of the families had the same reaction to Arie asking them for their blessing, and it was pretty much ‘we trust our daughter and it’s up to her’. Um, wow. Women being treated by actual humans who can make decisions and not someone to be sold off to and Arizonian failed racecar driver for 15 sheep and some lace? I dig it.

We start off our whirldwind tour with our favorite taxidermist, Kendall. If Kendall is not your favorite taxidermist, you need to really reevaluate your life choices is all I’m going to say.

It’s smart to open with the storage locker full of dead animals so Arie knows how this relationship will go. If you act up I will cut off your head and pickle it in a jar to stash in my red room of pain a la Silence of the Lambs. Arie is clearly into Kendall as he agrees to stuff dead rat skin and then play act a wedding scene with said rats. Never say Arie isn’t a team player!

As previously mentioned, Kendall has a twin sister named Kylie. Not one person on this show makes a reference to that, and I am very disappointed. Kylie is just as smart as Kendall, but her ‘thing’ is reading auras instead of stuffing dead animals, and she pulls off a bold red lip. I would like to be adopted into the Long family, please.

Did you know Kendall was ‘quirky’? Arie is so fucking vanilla he’s never seen anything as exciting as this hot blonde girl with a good personality and one off-beat interest

I previously said Kendall was this season’s Alexis, but she’s def this season’s Peter. I would pay disgusting sums of money to have Kendall be the new Bachelorette and have Peter return to compete for her heart (the same way that Nick Viall kept coming back to our screens like a haunted doll that you can’t throw away in a horror story, except I don’t want to punch Peter every time he opens his mouth). Let’s make these two commitment-phobes sane people who realise getting engaged after 3 weeks is psycho fall in love!

Next up is Weiner, Arkansas, a place that sounds like I made it up in some elitist European joke mocking hillbillies. Tia takes Arie racing, which is so incredibly dull. If someone invited me to their hometown I’d never been to and their idea of planning a fun date was just making me do my job in a shittier location, I’d be outta there.

Tia warns that her brother is protective, and ohmigod he looks like they hired an actor to play offensive stereotype of protective redneck brother. I would like a spin-off with Tia’s brother please. Maybe they could do like a team BiP sting a la Iaconetti sisters. However, this family is taking part in some half-assed interrogations. Oh, you googled Arie? Weak. If I was the family I would have a giant board in the living room with all of Jef Holm’s tweets and every article about Arie’s shady ex-girlfriends pinned on it. Maybe some red string linking them for dramatic effect.

Tia’s dad warns Arie that if he breaks his daughter’s heart he will ‘find him on Google’. I’m getting flashbacks to instructing my Alp-dwelling relatives on the wonders of wireless internet in 2016. Mr Booth definitely thinks Google is some sort of cutting edge technology that he is a tough bitch for acquiring. Run, Arie!

Becca’s hometown date is super boring, not because Becca is boring, but because she’s nice and well-balanced and she and Arie are cute, and her family is supportive. Omg, yawn, I do not sell out my intellectual feminist upbringing on a weekly basis to this show for wholesome. They go apple picking, and it’s a dream because they have that whole orchard to themselves and not about 1,538 screaming kids killing the mood like in every orchard an hour away from New York City in the fall.

Becca warns about her protective Reverend Uncle Gary, but just like Tia’s family, Gary does not deliver. I was waiting for him to bring down the wrath of God on Arie, but he just wanted to know if Arie would go to church if Becca asked him to. Umm, this man just stuffed dead animals for a girl, he’s so weak he’d stick his hand in a blender for his wife.

We have left Wisconsin for Virginia! Oh the glamorous world tours of the Bachelor universe. Lauren has all the personality of beige wallpaper and usually her dates make me want to stab myself with a kitchen knife just to alleviate the boredom, but her hometown was actually the highlight of this episode. Just because her family totally supports the theory that Lauren was grown in some kind of boring white basic bitch robot factory and they haven’t figured out the emoting function yet.

 

Lauren’s scary family sits stiffly around their mansion wondering if Arie realises how conservative this family is. They’re 100% still worried about Hillary’s emails. The most crucial thing Lauren’s dad wants to know about Arie is if he golfs. This some white people bullshit over here. Also I felt suspicious about them asking Arie to speak Dutch. Like I assume in the Vineyard Vines catalogue Lauren B world the Netherlands are categorised as ‘not a shithole’ country, but I’m still concerned that Arie might be a little too foreign for them. Typical of Europeans not to play golf.

Lauren’s family likes the awkward silence lifestyle, and honestly Lauren is starting to make more and more sense. After practically pissing himself from receiving the silent treatment from the Stepford Fam, Arie tells Lauren’s dad that he visited the troops once, and now Mr B is ready to perform the wedding ceremony himself. Damn, rich white people are easy. Though if I were Lauren, I’d be slightly concerned that my potential husband can’t sit through a whole meal with me without abruptly getting up and walking away in a panic.

 

After some uneventful dates, we make it to the rose ceremony and Jesus Christ, Tia, what are you wearing? Did she stop by Raven’s boutique during her stay in Arkansas for that dress? I am going into this rose ceremony with all the confidence that Kendall is going home due to the fact that the show’s brainwashing away of societal norms hasn’t completely taken a hold on her. Arie does that Blue-Steel-but-also-looks-like-he’s-constipated face while holding the rose, and I’m really running out of alcohol in my house/life to make watching this acceptable.

Oh, ok Arie. Walking away dramatically in the middle of a rose ceremony? Groundbreaking. Ooh, and he wants to speak to Kendall. Either he’s setting her up to say something that will make it really easy for him to send her home, or he really wants to keep her and is desperately trying to get her to commit to him. Either way, Kendall does not sell out, and tells Arie she’s maybe not ready for an engagement. Back in the mansion, Tia is hyperventilating and repeatedly asking who he’s choosing between. Masterful editing, this.

And, in a very big plot twist, Tia is sent home over Kendall. Clearly, we still haven’t cracked this evil genius experiment show.

 

Ok so the main thing we’ve learned from this is that Arie is totally into girls who don’t like him. Reverse psychology 101. Like, we all knew Jacqueline was getting the boot until she decided to leave Arie and then he was sobbing like (insert relevant metaphor), and he was totally horny for Lauren B because he wasn’t sure she liked him. Unclear what daddy issues Arie has to make him like this, but watch this space. Bachelor recap/psychoanalysis coming your way.

Next week, we have fantasy suites! I would really like a section where these women give us a perfectly honest review of Arie’s skillset in bed. This is all I ask for in my life. Thanks, drama gods.

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