The Bachelor Recap: Which deity have I angered to have Lauren B still in my life?

Welcome to the last episode before hometowns! Shit’s getting serious, and we now finally know all the contestant’s names. We are going to Italy and Arie is excited because there will be wine and pasta. I have seen the twittersphere mock Arie for that sentiment but every time I go to see my family in Italy I say the exact same thing so respect my friend.

 

Chris Harrison tells us there will be no rose ceremony this week (but the DRAMA?!) and instead there will be 4 dates. Becca K gets the first date, which is good cause homie kinda disappeared after getting the first 1-on-1. The actual dates this week are hella disappointing. Tuscany is kind of the best place on Earth, but Arie has decided that the way they’re going to enjoy it is by strolling around literally abandoned small towns. Maybe he’s worried if he took them to Florence, they’d be more interested in the architecture. It’s easy to find Arie fascinating when he’s the only human/object of interest in a 5 mile radius.

They go to buy bread and cheese which is the only thing I do when I’m Italy tbh so feels realistic. Arie asks for the ‘small’ bread and that’s when your girl would be outta there cause I could tear into a whole loaf by myself. Now is when I regret my new ‘healthy breakfast’ plan because I’m drinking a smoothie while writing about bread smh.

Becca gets a rose. I like Becca but I’m bored. Good for you, girl. Now the Kaufrin clan is going to have to be exposed to Arie, sorry my peeps.

Meanwhile, back at contestant central Jacqueline is freaking out because she can’t picture her parents having a conversation with Arie. Ah yes, pre-hometown date episode, aka the annual tradition of my picturing my bitchy aristocratic mother being introduced to the latest bland reality star to grace our Bachelor screens. I should be allowed on this show just cause the Jaquemet hometown date would be LIT (and someone would probably be arrested).

Jacqueline then makes the very intelligent decision of leaving. She makes the slightly less intelligent comment that Arie ‘is perfect in every way’. Honestly, Arie is crying a lot for this being the woman he wasn’t sure he wanted to date last week because her ambition was an obstacle. Honestly, he’s probably just realising that the women he’s kept around are way too smart and they’re all slowly becoming self-aware that they’re too good for him.

Aaaaand cue Lauren B. There is another Lauren 1-on-1, even though I haven’t yet recovered from last week’s snooze-fest. Our god is a cruel god (and by god I mean Chris Harrison obvi). They find another small empty town in Tuscany and Arie rides his bike like some 14-year-old nerd who’s trying to impress his first crush. I’m changing my #JusticeforBibiana movement to #JusticeforTuscany. Why are there no Chianti wine tours? I once stayed in a hotel in Florence with prosecco in a hot tub overlooking a vineyard. ABC hire meeee, I’d plan such fun dates.

I actually fast-forwarded through the Lauren date in the hope that I would get to see a great big ole dumping. Arie even gets up in the middle of the date for a stroll getting my hopes up like when I thought Eric or Peter would be bachelor. But no. Dull Lauren stays. Can’t wait to meet her cardboard cutout family next week. Snore.

Third 1-on-1 date goes to Seinne, leaving my three faves to battle it out in the group date. Ok, but this date includes a truffle dog. Doggo + outrageously expensive food. Yes, please.

 

They also have to do that awkward thing where some Italian family lets these American idiots come to their house and spit out some prerehearsed line about love. The whole ‘Italians think with their hearts not their brains’ is the kind of flat stereotype bullshit that I would usually get mad at these people for giving into for the sake of ABC. However, after having been a legal resident of Rome for 2 years, I can confirm that Italians don’t in fact think with their brains. Sorry.

Seinne is sent home because that’s the choice that makes sense. I think she’s better off without him, but I also would have enjoyed Seinne’s family tearing into this pizza hut-working mediocre white man.

The group date of 3 people is now slightly more interesting seeing as only one person is going home. Double the roses, double the drama! Kendall is the only person who hasn’t gotten a 1-on-1 yet, though she did get to make out with Arie on the Eiffel Tower after sending Krystal home, so pretty iconic. Kendall gets the first rose of the date and I can breathe in relief. Can’t wait to meet Kendall’s twin sister and the taxidermied corpses of all the men who have crossed her in the past (I assume that’s the interior decor of the Long home).

Tia, honey. Don’t badmouth Bekah. We are so past that point in the show and it doesn’t make you look good. Bekah shows Tia wrong when Tia questioned her maturity by sobbing hysterically. I feel like Arie is a parent trying to broker an argument between his two young daughters (I know I said I wasn’t making any age jokes but it’s just so real right now).

In the first unsurprising event of this episode, Bekah is sent home. She gives us a good ole cry in the Limo of Shame, but she doesn’t show any obvious distress to Arie’s face. Yasss girl. Bekah is her best self to the end. We’re gonna miss you, hun. Though she did recently grace our TV screens letting us know that she is not in fact a weed farmer. Bekah is the gift that keeps on giving.

 

 

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