Bachelor Recap: Kendall’s Book of Emotional Intelligence

Welcome to another week of Kendall’s Taxidermy Friends The Bachelor. And what an episode it was! There were highs. There were lows. There were tears (not mine). There were cheetos and sugar cookies (mine). You know how every season Chris Harrison is like THE MOST DRAMATIC SEASON EVER and they’re always teasing an ambulance and death and nothing ever happens. Lowkey, no one is hyping this season up and yet there is so much tea. ABC playing with our expectations, I see you.

So we’re going to Paris. And staying on a houseboat? That is not a Parisian looking boat. WHO IS ON THE BACHELOR BRAND TEAM I HAVE QUESTIONS.

We are told there will be a 2-on-1. Krystal shows the first ounce of self-awareness this entire season by announcing that she’s clearly going to be on that date. Take the bitch DOWN. I’m not hopeful though. Krystal’s a damn squeaky cockroach, you can’t smash her. 

Lauren gets a 1-on-1. All of the barf. I mean I knew what this was happening from last week’s preview and I’ve been steeling myself all week, but still. Ugh. #JusticeforKendall. Arie announces that ‘more and more of her personality is coming out’. I’m sorry, did they hide it with Matt and Adam from Rachel’s season? Cue the world’s most awkward date where they walk along the Seine and Arie points at shit while Lauren lets out a breathy ‘wow’ every seven or so minutes.

‘You see cheese at home all the time’ TELL ME MORE ARIE ARIZONA SOUNDS GREAT. For some reason I can’t understand, Arie is trying SO hard to make this work. I mean it’s understandable, we’ve all been despo at some point because there’s just one eligible person and you want it to be a thing. But you got a house boat of hotties waiting for you, ditch the deadweight and go make out with Hot Publicist Jenna or something (I don’t know if that’s her actual job but it sounds suitably thotty so I’m leaving it up).

 

I love how they casually drop in Arie’s having lost a child. @Producers: homies, I’m not telling you how to do your jobs but y’all like a fucking tragic backstory. Remember how Nick Viall was dumped on national television like 17 times?? You clearly have no moral compass (RIP Juliana) EXPLOIT THIS SHIT. This is like a real thing. We finally have Arie’s sad story ffs. Sure, Lauren B gets the rose for crying about trust issues after being the human embodiment of drying paint all day but Lauren S got sent home because she had too much personality. I see you, Luyendyk, you dull shit.

The group date consists of the girls going to visit the Moulin Rouge and they are way tooe excited about it. *Scribbles furiously in my ‘Bachelor is an extended psychological experiment’ evidence notebook*. ‘It’s for the women’ says Arie. Ah, yes. Making 6 hot chicks get up on stage and dance for you in thongs and sequins. You’re so self-sacrificing. Jenna keeps fighting for the title of craziest this season by calling Arie the ‘most gorgeous man alive’. Oh, I’m sorry, did Peter Kraus die?

The group date is honestly kind of dull despite the costumes, because I am rearing up for the Super Bowl  Kendall/Krystal showdown. Bekah gets the group date rose and as a ‘reward’ gets to stand up on the grimy stripper stage with Arie in front of a live audience. Bekah looks adorable with the blonde wig and the other women are FUMING in the corner. Girls, drink your free drinks, and be happy you’re not a part of this humiliation.

The 2-on-1: they picked a real hero to stand up to Krystal. I’m afraid she’s more of a sacrificial lamb in this situation though. I felt the real fear on this date for Kendall. I mean heart racing, palms sweating, fear like I’ve never felt. And if everyone thinks I’m just way too sheltered I’ll have you know there was once a Hezbollah takeover on my street. You just grab some snacks and hunker down in a windowless hallway away from the grenades – there ain’t no hunkering from Krystal!

Arie takes the two women to a chateau and points vaguely at art on the wall. Wow. Much cultured. Such smart. He then drops the two in a maze where they have to somehow find their way out. Arie is the cheese; they are the lab rats; the theory makes more and more sense.

Real talk though: Kendall has been a favorite of mine so far because she’s hilarious and I love her taxidermy collection. It could have been really easy for her to stay as this bit character, but she spoke to Krystal with such empathy and intelligence and kindness. She’s honestly shining as one of the best human beings on this show. Now that’s what I call emotional intelligence.

In a small interlude back at the ugly house boat, Bekah compares Krystal’s presence to Donald Trump being elected president. Bekah Martinez 2020, I’ll start printing the campaign flags.

After tortuous hours of Krystal shit-talking Kendall, Arie tattling to Kendall about Krystal, and what I assume is hours of meditation on Kendall’s part, we finally get to the deciding dinner. And Arie chooses…….. KENDALL. Collective cheers went up in the world. A tragic montage of Krystal drinking wine alone in a dark restaurant while Kendall and Arie kiss on the Eiffel Tower is shown. All is right with the world.

There is another 1-on-1 date. Jesus Christ, I am exhausted. Arie definitely has a Pretty Woman fetish, as he takes Jacqueline shopping. And then, because we need conflict in every date, Arie is concerned that Jacqueline wants to do a PhD. Ah, yes. Ambition in a woman – it’s just as much a problem as her being barely legal. We fear for Jacqueline, but unfortunately for her she gets to stay in the Stanford Prison Experiment Bachelor Mansion for a week longer.

Unsurprisingly, we lose Jenna at the rose ceremony. She was beautiful, but as the only woman who hasn’t had a 1-on-1, her days were clearly numbered. Chelsea, however, was a shocker. We’re getting to that point in the show where front runners are dropping off. Jenna ugly cries on Arie’s chest and Chelsea strides off in a gorgeous wide-skirt cocktail dress with the dignity I expected of her.

Honestly, there are some GEMS on this show. Bekah M? A star. Kendall is actually such a deep person, and obviously shines in her taxidermy spotlight. Jacqueline showed herself today and is smart and gorgeous and ambitious. Tia with the sequin jumpsuit. Seinne. Totally undervalued in today’s episode. Still a star.

We about to have a bomb hometown episode. Unless Lauren stays in which case goodbye world. I’ll have to go find a real interest and I don’t want that.

 

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