The Bachelor Recap: Glitter, Bitches

This week we’re headed off to *drumroll* Ft Lauderdale! I know there’s a lot of snark out there about mocking the ‘exotic’ locales the girls are being brought to but I will (for once) restrain as I actually really like Florida. Totally doesn’t fit my brand, but I like to keep people on their toes.

Chelsea gets the first one-on-one, and the other girls get to watch her make out with Arie using binoculars from their hotel balcony. So when I stalk my exes on instagram it’s ‘not healthy’ but this shit’s fine? Honestly, though, I kind of feel Chelsea’s love for Arie in this moment. I would also feel similarly for the man who brought me on a yacht and a jetski. I mean, my last date was at the neighborhood pub, and honestly I will put out for cheesy bread.

Chelsea is actually fantastic. She started out this season looking like she was gunning for the ‘villain’ role and overusing the Mom Card, but she’s actually an amazingly smart strong lady. @Raven, any chance you could pull off your cheater-beating stiletto and whack Chelsea’s ex-husband with it? Naturally, Chelsea gets a rose, and then she is serenaded in a creepy old car garage. Oh, I’m sorry Arie, do you like cars?

We have a group date card and Lauren B (who is the only Lauren now but is still Lauren B so we never forget how basic she is) is SHOCKED that she didn’t get the 1-on-1. I mean I’m pretty sure Lauren’s entire personality was uncovered in the 3-minute convo she had with Arie last week, but to each their own. Tia, a much more deserving contestant, gets that coveted spot.

Funny enough, I had a long text conversation the other day with someone about how bowling could be made sexy, and we came up blank. Arie thought he had the answer to that apparently, by. Licking. The. Bowling. Ball. You know that shit ain’t clean. I don’t care how much disinfectant some poor PA scrubbed over that ball, SHIT. AIN’T. CLEAN. It’s my professional medical opinion that Arie now has the bubonic plague and/or syphilis from that ball.

Krystal announces to her adoring fans ‘’I need him to prove himself to me.’’ Correct. She also prays to her dogs who she misses to do well in bowling. Homie being relatable all of a sudden, and I’m a little uncomfortable about it

The ladies then have to bowl for their lives in two teams to see who will get to go to an after-party with Arie. I have always said that I would go on the Bachelor just cause so many of the dates are fantastic (jet skiing and Napa, hello!) but gals – losing here is winning. Going back to your fancy suite to sit in your robes and order room service? Hell yes. My team (I do not remember the team names but it’s the one with my girl Kendall in it so Team Taxidermy) unfortunately loses. Arie makes the relatively kind decision of letting the loser team come to the after party. Arie with the empathy all of a sudden! That or he just did it to be swarmed by a 6-woman group hug. Krystal has the totally rational reaction of calling Arie a liar and refusing to go to the party.

Arie goes up .001% in my esteem by talking to Krystal like she’s a toddler who threw a tantrum. I live for Bekah being a 10000x more mature than Krystal when Krystal spent all of last episode discussing how at the age of 30 she was ~so above~ these 20 year olds. Manual of emotional intelligence anyone?

Also, I would like to publicly apologise for any negative feeling I ever had about Bekah, whether expressed outloud or in the very angry inner monologue in my head. Bekah is the fucking best and I want to be her best friend. When I told my friend over brunch that I was dating a new guy she responded with ‘is this one 40?’ so I feel like we could really make this shit work.

Meanwhile, Arie sits Lauren down and tells her she has a few minutes to get to know everything about him… and she asks him what his favorite color is. Lauren gets the group date rose. Over Kendall, who asked Arie if he would eat human flesh. Kendall knows how to make the most out of her 15 seconds.

Post-unholy Krystal meltdown, we are treated to the lovely Tia going on a swamp date with Arie. Kinda offended because Chelsea got a yacht and Lauren got a jet, but also Tia seems to actually be enjoying herself, so fine. Also, I could not watch this without thinking about the Tiffany Haddish swamp groupon story.

This guy with the deep fried corn for Bachelor though.

The cocktail party allows us a few more shining moments of crazy before Krystal’s trial by fire the rose ceremony. Jacqueline (who is stunning and has had 0 screen time so I really don’t know what’s happening here) tells Arie in a creepily calm voice that she’s infatuated with him. Which is nothing compared to Krystal explaining that her meltdown was due to the fact that ‘she grew up in a bowling alley’ and it brought back traumatic memories. Annaliese, dat u?

Sadly, after we are made to hold our breath about another possible Krystal elimination, girl somehow survives. The ‘messy hoe’ portion of me (yes, it’s a large portion, move on) loves the drama that she brings, but I also feel like as every episode is 45% Krystal at least, she detracts from other contestants that might be worth knowing. Ashley went home and I can’t even summon up any feeling about it as we know literally nilch about her. Arie’s contestant pool is getting younger/whiter by the minute. Good job, dude.

Next week, Paris! Can’t wait to tune in for episode 6 of The Krystal Show.

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