The Bachelor recap: Kendall is a maggot queen

 

We are back with our girls headed to the SUPER EXCITING locale of Lake Tahoe! Is it in their contract that they have to scream the exact same amount no matter where they’re going, be it a cabin in Nevada or Tuscany?

This week’s episode starts with a one-on-one date with Seinne, a woman who is so far out of Arie’s league, in a season where every single woman is out of Arie’s league, that it’s laughable. ‘I’m afraid of disappointment’ says Seinne. That’s how you thrive in the Ivy League, bb.

At dinner Seinne tells Arie ‘they don’t tell a lot of stories about girls like me having the fairytale ending’. Meanwhile Arie has a dead idiotic stare while Seinne tries to explain the societal impact of ingrained racism in the US. SEINNE FOR BACHELORETTE.

My favorite thing about the Bachelor is the contrast between these incredibly romantic one-on-one dates and these tortuous group dates set to tip these hoes over the edge into full mental breakdown territory. Honestly, girls, remember Corinne refused to step in the muck and napped through ceremonies and she made it to hometowns. You don’t need to drink pee. Which, yes, stunningly gorgeous Jenna said she would ‘drink pee for Arie. Jenna coming for Krystal’s crazy crown. Marikh hits us with the deep historical reference of ‘Ghandi used to drink his own pee. But i’m not Gandhi’. I do not like Marikh and yet I am Marikh.

Meanwhile Kendall finally gets the limelight she deserves and shines in this episode. She and Tia dig into those bugs like the 4-pack of cheetos on my nightstand after bottomless brunch. She then tells Arie that she brought her taxidermied duck with her to Tahoe and that it rides on her shoulder. Honestly I would pay for the footage of the TSA agent who had to check Kendall’s bags. I am not mad about Tia getting the group date rose, though. Though her and Caroline’s ‘joking’ couple time in the tub… hmm. Ladies. Let’s make Bachelor Nation great again and run away together, leaving Arie behind. Dream couple.

Arie then takes Baby Bekah on the last 1-on-1. All the girls are whispering about how badly it’s going to go because she’s 22. Sure, because it’s not like there were numerous tabloid articles about Arie screwing around with sorority girls before his season aired. I’m sure the fact that she’s young and hot is a huge deal breaker.

Arie lets us know that at the ripe old age of 36 he needs to go to bed early and not be wild like he was at 22. I mean, I’m 22, and I left a birthday party to go take a nap at 6pm this weekend, so seems like a dumb argument. Bekah’s age reveal sends Arie into some deep spin where he waves the rose threateningly at her while going back and forth about how dating her is a terrible idea. . He then decides to date her; tbh being aware that something is a terrible decision and then going ahead with it anyways makes Arie the most relatable he’s been to me in a while.

We then move on to the rose ceremony and the *gasp* shocker that there will be no cocktail party. I mean there’s one of those ‘twists’ in every season it’s like we’re playing Bachelor Bingo (great business idea by the way). Caroline looks absolutely phenomenal so of course Caroline gets sent home. THE INJUSTICE. As does Britney who seems super stable and gorgeous, so yeah, makes sense.

The after-credits scene is actually the highlight of this entire season with a Marikh-Chelsea showdown. ‘Freaking millenials these days. I mean I guess I am one too’ and ‘I am pro-glam’. Wow, I think I actually like Chelsea now. Can’t wait to see her suffer on a date with Arie!


 

 

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