The Bachelor Recap: Let There be Doggos

Today in things that are not acceptable:  the latest developments in Nick Viall’s love life.

Moving on from January Jones’ Stockholm Syndrome we find ourselves in week 3 of the Bachelor, aka where group dates meant to humiliate the contestants are still roaring ahead.

First up – the wrestling date. Some 80s actresses start insulting the girls in an attempt to make them experience the mocking camaraderie of actual wrestling, but it just turns into them making the girls cry. Which would be hilarious but Tia and Bibiana?? Really? Bibiana of the ‘mic drop’ roast? And Tia’s whole selling point is her being Raven’s friend, the same Raven who calmly told the guy she was fighting 20 other girls for and national television that she beat the shit out of her cheating ex-boyfriend with a stiletto. Tia, pull that sneaker off and whack those bitches if they’re disrespecting you.

We are thankfully treated to a Kenny cameo. These girls are so brainwashed they’re watching this racist-fighting beefcake take on Arie and NOT ONE woman was like ‘fuck this’ and left the rat race to go hit on Kenny. Sounds fake, but ok. Somehow, we are meant to believe that Arie would ever win this fight, and the girls actually go wild. Kenny, go home to your cool daughter. You gonna let this weedy white man disrespect you like this?

 

It seems like a joke but Chris Harrison’s happy place is just him hitting these idiots with a chair repeatedly tbh

At least we are served with some fantastic costumes – Maquel takes on Bekah dressed in a leopard-print catsuit with a fake mole and a hairnet. Maquel either woke up from the trance and realized this whole thing was idiotic and she was too good for it or she’s that confident.

Post watching some weirdly sexual dance-wrestle routine (girls, if you like each other more than Arie, live your truth) we get some stunningly brilliant conversation.

‘So what’s your, like, longest relationship?’

‘Like, 2 and a  half or 3 years. And we were, like, in love’

I’m losing brain cells at an frighteningly rapid pace.

‘You were outstanding today. And tonight you were amazing’ – Arie Luyendyk Jr. Arie got a bigger luggage allowance than the contestants and brought a thesaurus in his bag.

Krystal is still working real hard to turn this into The Krystal Show (I mean I’d tune in).

‘Girls are really insecure around me’ Krystal really be that hoe.

‘We know we want to end up together and this is just a process we have to go through to do that’ bitch about to be peddling skinny tea on her instagram but right now she’s drinking crazy tea.

I’m so torn between Krystal being the MOST annoying and wanting to scream at her that she can do like way better. You’re some super hot unstable evil schemer, go use your considerable powers on a better project.

Anyways, Bekah gets the group date rose so maybe crazy doesn’t win this time (Bekah is definitely going to become way more imbalanced though so watch this space).

Lauren S aka one of the Laurens idk man I can’t keep up anymore gets a 1-on-1. Lauren S’s joy at there being wine on this date is making her very relatable to me, in what is a surprise to no one.

Lauren seems vaguely normal. ‘I hope we get along’. Yeah that’s a normal thing to say before a date. Krystal, meanwhile, is putting together a how to lose a guy in 10 days esque scrapbook about what their kids will look like. I also enjoy her sneaker dress combo quite a lot.

Arie has toned the dates way down in this episode apparently (because private jet to Napa is now a low-key date in this universe) but again, Lauren gets to drink wine and Krystal had to see the pizza hut where Arie worked so we all know who’s winning this.

‘This is a very Lauren S date’ – Lauren on drinking wine. And I am a very Lauren S person.

Am I the only person not following this next scene? Lauren is so eloquent and self-aware. Like yeah she hops from topic to topic and tells funny stories, because this is a date and she’s a cute angel on this earth. Why is there the comedic music? Why is ABC starting fake drama?? Aaaaand just like that our most promising candidate is sent home.

Alright. Lauren was great. I was team Lauren for 3 solid seconds but now I hope she’s back to living her best life in Dallas with her mimosas. Going back to embroidering my ‘Team Bibi’ shirts.

Wine date + doggie date. Aka the last two thirds of this episode are great. I’d pick up the mini Australian shepherd and leave. Talk about winning this show.

Annaliese, Jesus Christ, of course you’re scared of dogs. How many traumas do you have? Probably couldn’t have gone on the Napa date either, I’m sure you have a childhood memory including some scarring grapes. A raise for whichever producer made that slow-mo sepia flashback. It’s the second best CGI dog effect on this franchise after Ashley I’s dog Lucy looked down on her from the heavens in Bachelor in Paradise. Yes, I know the name of Ashley’s deceased dog, it’s fine.

Annaliese’s struggles never end. Arie tells her they’re not ‘there yet’ for a kiss. Jenna dry humps Arie intensely at the rose ceremony and he’s meant to be engages in 4 weeks. Go home bb. We done.

The rose ceremony cocktail party just turns into a competition of who’s suffering the most between Bibiana and Annaliese. ‘The devil is working OT, man’ – Bibiana when other hoes steal her day bed, and also me when my dishwasher breaks for the 3rd time in a week.

Annaliese is finally sent home. Things she brings in the Uber: her luggage, a crippling fear of being dumped in mansions. Things left behind: dignity.

After Arie been dropping women left and right, there’s only one person going home at the rose ceremony, which is COLD. Also it’s Bibiana which like… this is the shit I’m going to have to go to therapy for. The universe don’t make sense.

Clearly Bibiana’s prayer had some effect: none of the girls got bitten by dogs but she will be gracing our television screens really soon!

Leave a Reply

Create a website or blog at WordPress.com

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: