By Nora Jaquemet
Ah, yes. The first dates of The Bachelor. Where the crazy is really at a peak. I have a working theory that The Bachelor is just an extended psychological experiment a la Stanford Prison. Twenty six stunning women all screaming like demented fangirls over a washed-up c-list reality star because they’re locked in a house away from the rest of the world and brainwashed into thinking this human porridge is the equivalent of the single prince in Cinderella due to some groupthink power of persuasion. Chris Harrison is going to roll up one day in a white lab coat saying ‘it’s Christopher Harrison, PhD, bitch’. Watch this space.
Arie chooses Becca K (who?) for a first date where he drives her away on the back of a motorcycle while the hair-extensioned band of meerkats stares on with poorly-concealed jealousy. To quote the ever legendary Lorelai Gilmore ‘if you’re gonna throw your life away, he’d better have a motorcycle.’
Rachel Zoe is featured on the show to style Becca in some Pretty Woman-esque montage because she needs…. The publicity? (I say with derision as if I wouldn’t give several non-essential organs to be featured on the show). Becca and Arie are the exact same level of boring so I guess they’re cute? Arie chooses by far the fugliest dress for Becca and also gifts her some offensively tacky Louboutins. I would just leave if a man told me to wear a long-sleeved off shoulder metallic dress and Vegas hostess heels but Becca is from Missouri or something (I don’t care enough to look up whether or not this is accurate) so she is starstruck.
Also, Becca has an adorable corgi and WHY did this not come up on the show? Important conversations, people!
Her instagram bio is also ‘yeah no don’t put me down for cardio’ an ICONIC line if ever there was one. I like her more now. This is like that time I discovered the Tickle Monster was actually a doctor. ABC making me go do my own detective work, smh.
Arie then takes freakishly-ripped-girl-with-sad-family-story Krystal on the next one-on-one date, which is a slightly more obvious choice as she was a standout in the first night. Krystal also has a terrifying porn star/ child entertainer on LSD voice but that feels like low-hanging fruit, so I’ll just focus on her abs and obvious mental instability.
Arie then decides it’s a good idea to take Krystal to his hometown where they go to his house (I’m vaguely disturbed by his interior decor but I can’t put my finger on why) and show her home videos of himself. If I went on a first date where we just sat and watched footage of the guy I’d be pretty pissed. But again, Bachelor Stockholm Syndrome.
If I were to give a tour of my high school it would go something like “here’s where I almost died of alcohol poisoning, here’s where I punched a guy in the face” – good date idea, no?
Then Krystal meets Arie’s whole family, which is chill and normal and low-key. But also, family who? Their dog is so fucking cute. For real, Arie’s little mutt could compete with Copper.
— Reality Rose (@RealityRose_) May 30, 2017
ABC is still not returning my calls about the Doggie Bachelor. It’s a show where I have to pick between 30 cute dogs to adopt, but the plot twist is I take them all home and live like a queen.
So this is a hell of a pair of first dates between acting out some sugar daddy fantasy and literally introducing a girl to his parents. Whatever the next one-on-one date is, he’s going to have to either marry her or murder her cause I don’t see how else this can escalate.
So then, we naturally do a 180 for a 15-girl group date. Seeing the amount of pent-up rage in these women, the producers naturally decide to give them some cars and tell them to smash the shit out of each other. Bachelor? Hunger games? The lines are fuzzy. At least we get the zingy one-liner of ‘could this be the first time Arie wins something on a racetrack?’ After 20 years of hosting this bullshit, Chris Harrison has finally snapped.
Some girl cries because she has ‘bumper car trauma’. Jenny is not here for this nonsense. I am here for Jenny though. After all these girls attempt to murder each other, it seems as if Brittany may actually have died and some PA is currently digging a hole to hide her body in. Well, it was going to happen at some point.
BREAKING: Brittany T. suffered a head injury and was suddenly experiencing confusion about why she was searching for a husband on TV. #TheBachelor
— Kristen Baldwin (@KristenGBaldwin) January 9, 2018
During some cocktail party mingling, we discover that Seinne went to Yale, which is cool, but she also said that she ‘had to grow up fast’ because she went to Yale. Yes, I’m sure the palacial walls of the ivy league were rough – that’s some Krystal-level ‘my dad abandoned me and my little brother is homeless’ shit.
Arie: ‘she’s worldly and she’s super smart – she went to Yale. I mean I barely graduated high school and I worked at Pizza Hut’. That’s shockingly self-aware of you, Arie. But also, louder for the desesperado bitches in the back. Y’all can do better.
Krystal has unraveled at a surprisingly quick pace and clearly thinks Arie is her actual boyfriend. Bibiana wins the episode with her ‘mic drop, bitch’ and oscar-worthy facial expression. Normally, I’d say Krystal better watch her back because Bibiana may be able to snap her tiny body out of pure rage, but Krystal’s actual job is just exercising and she could definitely fight a bitch.
The rose ceremony gives us some hold-your-breath drama, but honestly, no way were the producers letting Bibiana leave so early. You know next week is going to give us some drama gold.
When Kendall receives her rose she responds with ‘taxidermy didn’t scare you away?’ Girl, if this lame-ass washed-up mediocre race car driver doesn’t want to marry you, I will. We’ll have a great life as long as you don’t taxidermy my five pets.
My new love Jenna is unfortunately sent home. For however many seasons of this show I’ve been watching, I have invariably said I would not give the man who dumped me on national television a hug. And, bam. Enter Jenna. Clearly the Big Brother brainwashing stopped having an effect on Jenna and the Thought Police Producers had to send her out before she started a rebellion in the mansion. Also ‘I’m not sad about you I’m sad about leaving my friends’ cemented Jenna as my new feminist icon (the bar is SO LOW on this show).
— Kristen Baldwin (@KristenGBaldwin) January 9, 2018
The highlight of this episode is of course the after credits scene where Kendall introduces Arie to her taxidermied seal: ‘He’s really janky because he’s vintage.’ I love him and I love Kendall. Kendall is def this season’s Alexis Waters. She’s funny and marvelous and will probably never get a one-on-one because these wallpaper-ass men always go for the boring pretty girl and send our best entertainment home too early. At least Alexis gave us one of 2017’s television highlights when she made serial killer Jack Stone eat a dead stinky crab so there’s hope yet for Kendall.
The ‘next week’ sneak peek teases (shocker!) DRAMA. So what will happen in next week’s episode of Mansion Prison Experiment?
Predict the answers to more tv, music and movie quibbls here.