Roses, Gossip, and Tears – Bachelor Nation is BACK

By Nora Jaquemet

It’s been a few months since we’ve had the Bachelor grace our screens and I’ve had to drown my sorrows by spending time with Ashley Laconetti’s podcast (and my job and relationships I guess, whatever).

However, in just a few short days, Arie Luyendyk Jr will go on a ‘quest to find love’ and we will all be drinking wine on Mondays. When Emily Maynard’s season premiered I was too busy making ugly purple NYU-themed Pinterest boards to watch reality TV, so I actually know nothing about Arie. I do appreciate a man with prematurely grey hair though so you go Glen Coco.

Side note: my 2018 new year’s resolution is to learn how to pronounce Arie’s last name. It may seem like I set my sights low and that it’s sad, but I’m already perfect in every other way so I have to find my personal goals somewhere.

ARIE

ABC decided to try to make us excited about this throwback with the TV special Countdown to Arie, which I watched. I watched this. I swear on all that is good about Bachelor Nation I actually watched this ABC special and I remember exactly 0 things about it. True, I watched it after an open bar holiday party so maybe I wasn’t functioning at 100%, but I do remember my friend inviting me to her wedding in April 2021. I’m going to say it’s not a great sign for Arie that a wedding in 4 years registered more than his dramatic highlights with Emily.

Unfortunately ABC isn’t willing to dig up any dirt, so we’ll leave it to the internet to pass judgment on the contestants. So far: one of the contestants is apparently barely legal , Kendall has a twin named Kylie, there are four (4) Laurens and one (1) of them is NOT white and blonde. Good job, ABC. Eric, where you at?

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Scribbles ‘Eric Bigger should have been the Bachelor’ repeatedly on vision board

The rest of Bachelor Nation has, thankfully, given us plenty of dirt to wile away the sad days of hiatus. It’s honestly a struggle for me to pick just a few highlights from the army of freakishly good looking, gummy vitamin-peddling, Insta-sluts this franchise has gifted us. Wells Adams’ actual human gift to mankind is dating real celebrity Sarah Hyland. Adam the French doll man has inexplicably found love with Arkansas princess Raven, and the world’s most boring couple–Derek and Taylor–are the ‘new Jade and Tanner’. On the other hand Taylor has a very overweight cat, so it makes me like her more.

Also, in case anyone is wondering what Peter has been up to, my friend recently texted me a picture of him she snuck from SoHo (xoxo Gossip Girl). Yes, he is in fact wearing a shirt with his name on it.

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Me: Wow, what a self-obsessed prick

Also me: Where can I get a Peter Kraus shirt??

Tune in next week where I will be dissecting the tears, booze and Roses of Arie’s first night. And where I will inevitably bring up Kaitlyn Bristowe, my favorite Bachelorette. My editors will allow it although my roommates have banned her name from our home.

QUIBBL: How many Laurens will make it through night 1?

QUIBBL: Will Adam and Raven get engaged before the end of Arie’s season?

 

QUIBBL: Will Kendall get her own intro in episode 1 of The Bachelor?

QUIBBL: Will Wells Adams and Sarah Hyland announce their split before the end of Arie’s season?

QUIBBL: Will Nick Viall make an appearance in episode 1?

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