Welcome to the weekly Bachelor in Paradise wrap up and preview:
Another week, another four goddamned hours of this shitshow. This is actually starting to take a toll on me, how am I supposed to balance a job, social commitments, and this much reality TV? What, am I supposed to give up the TV, and focus on having a fulfilling life?
No, I refuse, and I’ll take the TV any day. And Wells (Above: not the puppet) is a national hero.
There is literally so much drama/ love triangles/ tears that I can’t even internalize it all. My drama quota for the week has already been met. My hot coworker dumped his girlfriend, YAY… to move to Uganda, boo. So, I am burned out from this show– I couldn’t even join in on quality office gossip sesh. You know I am a dedicated viewer when your girl can’t invest herself in “real” people’s drama.
We open on Alexis shoving different food items into Jack Stone’s mouth in a game that Raven has titled ‘’What dat mouf do tho’’. I would pay a lot of money to see a show just about Raven and Alexis. Never change, gals. Whoever thought using a stinky dead crab was a good idea– they were 100% correct. This small crustacean induced a hissy fit on the part of Jack, but now let’s return to ‘’romance’’ or whatever, and the arrival of new idiots (I mean contestants).
I have to say, the character development on this show is getting stronger. Christen roars in and cannot stop talking about her virginity, and you would think that would become her schtick. But no! Christen gets to be the girl who eats seafood with her fingers. It’s wonderful how television portrays women as the complex creatures they are. ABC will forever label Christen as ‘’Scallop Fingers’’ and I can only imagine how much fun the producers are having creating these job titles.
I move that this just be everyone’s job title from now on (except you, Alexis, you’re a star)
Newly minted “Scallop Fingers” scopes out all the men and decides that she is not only going to ask out the least attractive man on this beach, she’s going to get Jasmine on her bad side. Girl, you dumb. Irrelevant balding Matt then decides to go home, which honestly shows he does in fact have a will to live and half a brain cell at least.
And then – just as we think we get to say goodbye to Lacey and her badly applied eyeliner, Daniel (her dream man apparently) shows up and gives her a rose.
I actually can’t believe that Daniel is a real person who just goes around living life and running errands and just functioning in society instead of an escaped mental patient. I just spent about 30 minutes of my work day intensely googling him to find out Daniel is a model and personal trainer.; I suppose makes sense with his washboard abs, but I’m not sure how good he would be at being a trainer. My ridiculously hot Eastern European trainer (hi George) has the great face and charm to convince me to actually do that 10th push-up. I’m not sure being called ‘’leftover scraps’’ would exactly motivate me to do anything, but hey maybe that’s just the kind of learner I am.
Side note: Daniel also has a degree in psychology. Let that sink in for a second.
Tfw you unexpectedly find yourself siding with Trump
Introducing our new love triangle: Scallop Fingers had to choose between a serial killer and tickle monster. Uh-huh. I mean I’m pretty happy to see Jonathan get the appreciation he deserves, he was kind of my guilty under-the-radar fave from Rachel’s season. Jack Stone, however, sent our queen Alexis home over a dead crab and he needs to leave now. RIP Alexis, we’ll never forget you.
Can we give a moment to the honorable mention of idiocy– Robby. He thinks it’s romantic to throw a couple of glow sticks into some dirty AF pool. Our girl Amanda gives him a pity kiss. Can we all remember that Jojo Fletcher entertained marrying this off-brand Ken doll? Excuse me for a second, I feel vaguely ill.
As for Dean….. I have nothing to say on the topic. Kristina just said the Russian orphanage was better than Paradise so yeah. That’s all.
Also, can I just say that Ben Z is low key the best man on this beach? He’s just a sweet good-looking guy who loves his dog. Meanwhile, the women are losing their shit fighting over irrelevant balding Matt. Ben, don’t worry honey, you’re doing great. Everybody in paradise is just on some kinda wild drug trip.
I am now starting to understand the true social value of paradise – yours truly had an epic meltdown at a lovely brasserie in my posh London neighborhood two nights ago. I’m talking hysterical sobbing while at dinner with a very patient friend, mascara dramatically running across my face, terrifying the moules frites-toting waiters. (The English don’t like emotions). But after 4 hours of this rigamarole on my tv, I feel pretty good about myself today because, hey, at least I handle breakups better than these idiots. This is more useful than therapy, honestly.
We, of course, had to end on an unpleasant note, by rounding out the episodes with week 3 of Chris Harrison exploiting the shutdown scandal. Corinne, we love you, and your platinum vagine. Screw the haters.
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