Welcome to the weekly Bachelor in Paradise wrap up and preview:
The Bachelorette is over, Rachel has made the dubious decision of choosing Bryan over Peter and Eric, and now we move on to bigger and better things. No, I don’t mean real life, I don’t “f” with that. I mean, by far the best part of the Bachelor franchise, Bachelor in Paradise! Honestly, I would sign on to be on the Bachelor just to get eliminated and end up on a trip full of hot horny people on the beach. I hope everyone is here for the right reasons, and by right reasons I mean for the free alcohol. If anyone thought I was too weirdly invested in the Bachelorette, you ain’t seen nothing yet, cause Paradise is my Superbowl. It’s the most wonderful time of the year.
Column by Senior Entertainment writer Nora Jaquemet
Another season of Bachelor in Paradise has begun, and I’m already deeply invested in giving you all the drama and insanity that ABC provides us viewers.
In other BiP news, the one surviving couple from last season, Carly, and Evan, are now expecting a baby! Mazel, my friends. Carly and Evan are the living embodiment of everything that is right with BiP, namely that Evan faked an illness to get Carly to like him even though she literally threw up after being forced to make out with him on a date. Yet somehow, they’re the ones who end up winning this thing.
So far we’ve had three episodes and only one rose ceremony. LDQ (Low Drama Quotient). Do better, people. We also had about 40 minutes of Carly and Evan’s wedding. I paid attention long enough to see that Carly looked fabulous in her dress and then just fast forwarded to the part where everyone cries and embarrasses themselves. This is so I can continue to laugh at them while drinking iced lattes on my couch. As I report from my living room, the quest for love continues…
I will not discuss this anymore, and I will also ignore any contestant who says they’re here to find a love like Carly and Evan’s. Aim higher my friends; Carly literally said Evan gave her erectile dysfunction during last year’s season. On to our contestants!
Iggy arrives, proceeds to ignore all the girls, and jumps into Dean’s arms. Yes. I support this fulfillment of your homoerotic desires. This is Bachelor Nation at its best. This is all Iggy has to offer, buh bye now.
Ben meets a girl and when she asks about him, he spends the entire time discussing his dogs and love for dogs. I was ready to label Ben as irrelevant (hi, Matt) but honestly, Ben is me. He also says he’s not here to waste time because his dog is waiting for him at home. Meanwhile, Amanda has two kids and she’s not complaining about having someone she misses. Now that’s some relatable content right here.
Robby Hayes is back, and his job title is now social media influencer, and in related news, I’ve lost my will to live. What I love about Paradise as opposed to regular Bachelor is that on Bachelor/Bachelorette we have to make fun of contestants behind their backs (aka on twitter and our blogs). Even as the show tries to keep a modicum of seriousness claiming it as a quest to find love. On Paradise, the contestants are just out here roasting each other all the time, and Raven is here to hate on Robby’s discussion of his “Instagram influencing” with all her friends. Raven is such a gift to humankind. I missed you girl, I hope you get all the orgasms you deserve.
In related news, Jack Stone shows up and acknowledges that everyone thinks he’s a serial killer, then keeps living his life with his job description being ‘Jack Stone’. Live your best life.
Lacey is crying because she came here to meet Daniel. Which might sound like a questionable opinion, but after all Daniel is the man who famously told Chad ‘’let’s not be so much like Hitler. Maybe be more like Mussolini’’. Which sounds about as good as the advice I give tbh. In my opinion, both may be a better option than drunk Santa Claus (what am I even writing right now?).
On to our first rose ceremony! Alex, Iggy, Nick, and Vinny go home. I’m not mourning any of these idiots. I was scared for Diggy for a second there, but homie and his cute glasses pulled through and got Lacey’s rose. Unfortunately, Robby stayed. I can’t tell if Robby is ‘’entertaining annoying’’ ie. I am going to have a great time hating on him every time he shows up on screen or if he’s just gonna be annoying-annoying. Please continue to check in every week to see how we’re doing on my Robby hate-o-meter.
Of course, we haven’t even gotten to the central drama of the last few episodes: our dear sweet Dean has transformed into numero uno fuck boi. Poor Kristina got dope highlights to come back on this show only to be treated like a thirsty boi on tinder, and I’m not here for that. Danielle L who now goes by ‘’D-Lo’’ which is probably some attempt to make it seem like she has a personality (it’s not working FYI). D-Lo already has a place in my top hated contestants. First, our newly minted D-Lo steals Dean from Kristina, THEN she drops Alexis’ pizza in the sand. The first was bad, but the second is just a crime against humanity. Pizzas before bros-zas amirite??
Anyways, despite only one rose ceremony and so much screen time, the drama is good, the people are dumb, and Alexis and Raven are beacons of hope in this sad world. Let’s all celebrate the beauty that is Paradise by betting on these peoples’ humiliations!
Quibbls for this week
Will Derek and Taylor get engaged at the end of the show?