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The Bachelorette is a Primetime ABC reality television program in which individuals showcase the flaming hot wreckage that is their life decisions to date, via a contest of romantic consequence.
Senior Entertainment Columnist Nora Jaquemet provides snarky, analytical and frequently mean-spirited commentary on the Bachelor & Bachelorette while providing the bets of the week (“quibbls”). #BachelorNation debates where this season is heading and competes for the top of the leaderboard, as honor is won & as friendships are torn apart.
Welcome back #BachelorNationa
It’s fantasy suites time! Ok well, it was a singular fantasy suite really. ABC teased us with only one actual overnight date…. But fear not there was more than enough drama at the start of the episode when the men were made to meet Rachel’s family.
The part of me that lives for other people’s drama (this may be only part of me) is really thrilled that they decided to stick all 3 guys in the same hotel room. Ah yes, nothing like sitting in uninspiring beige furniture glaring at your girlfriend’s douchey other boyfriends while her third boyfriend is meeting her parents. This is what reality TV dreams are made of (and what my giant breathing mass of pettiness enjoys).
BUT HOLD ON NOTHING ELSE MATTERS BECAUSE GUESS WHO’S BACK???
We got a really brief look at Copper, unquestionably the most important man in Rachel’s life. He’s so fluffy. He’s so glorious. Honestly, I could have swapped out all of Bryan’s onscreen time to see more of Copper. The world is not a fair place.
Anyways, on to the dates with the humans, the main point of the show, I guess.
So one by one the men get to meet Rachel’s family. Poor Lindsay Family. They thought they had just signed up to host two idiots at their house. Instead, they got two absolute babes and Bryan. Can you imagine having dinner with Eric and Peter, and just when things seem hopeful, ombre polo-wearing mama’s boy Bryan shows up trying to be part of your family???
Yes, I know the ombre shirt travesty is old news, but I refuse to ever let this go. I don’t forget fashion crimes and I certainly don’t forgive. Remember that Bryan/future Bryans.
I’m just trying to be thankful though because at this point in Jojo’s season she had truly the most unappealing choice of men. Chase was probably the highest quality individual of that lot, and the man had the charisma of an old kitchen towel. I mean I still to this day watch all of Jordan Rodgers’ snap stories because I’m nosy, but I’m not happy about it. (We have updates on Jojo and Jordan, in case anyone cares. Obviously, I care.) (Oh and Chase and Robby are apparently BFFs now. I’m sure that’s a really healthy friendship.)
Rachel’s brother-in-law, Alex, achieved status as a national hero when he sat down that semi-sentient fedora Nick Viall and opened the conversation with ‘’so you’re a white’’. I really would love for Alex to have a talk with every pretentious privileged white guy with an overinflated ego I’ve ever dated. Which is every white guy I’ve ever dated (sorry Y’all). Overall, I was very happy to see him and his dope wife Constance again.
Eric’s description of the fantasy suite: “it’s a night to go deeper and open up more”. Yeah, it is, buddy. I love Eric so I have nothing more to say about this, except good for him.
On to Peter’s fantasy suite date! Continuing with the theme of ‘’Peter gets all the best dates’’, he and Rachel have moved on from canine dates to wine-drinking dates. Peter now gets to keep the key to a giant locker full of Spanish wine. Seriously, Peter, you can chill now, you’ve already won. Who needs the girl when you have all the Rioja? In actual seriousness, I’m a little annoyed about this Peter-Rachel drama. ABC makes Peter somehow seem to be cast as the “bad guy” because he’s not sure he wants to propose after knowing someone for 2 months. Rachel is acting as though Peter is not committed. This is all while she is dating TWO OTHER MEN VERY SERIOUSLY. AND ONE OF THE IS BRYAN. Ok… I will stop with the Bryan hate (for now). (Never forget the Ombre shirt).
Fear not though, all our favorite (read: most pathetic losers) former contestants will be back. Except for Dean, Alex, and Diggy. Y’all can get in an orderly line to date me, thanks. All the others I will be hardcore mocking next week. IDK might even make up a drinking game for how sad they all are. Yes, I’m a great person, it’s why I write these recaps.
Check back to quibbl.me for these quibbls before the show tonight…
Quibbl: Will Kenny call Lee a snake during men tell all?
Quibbl: Will any men announce their appearance on bachelor in paradise during next week’s episode?
Quibbl: Will any of the men bring up Iggy’s need to start drama?
Quibbl: Will any of the men cry?
Quibbl: Will Rachel cry?
Quibbl: Will Whaboom make his trademark WHABOOOM noise?