Staff Notes for Week Two–Dammit Theon

This article is part of Quibbl’s coverage of Game of Thrones, to see a map of coverage click here–all our past coverage and bets of the week

By Jake Klawans

About Jake Klawans: as Quibbl’s UC Berkeley Campus correspondent*, Mr. Klawans writes political coverage for Quibbl – a YCombinator finalist startup disrupting the way we aggregate news, via a gamified user credibility system (it’s basically fake gambling for pussies). As an intern, he also assists with the Game of Thrones drafting & publishing.

About GoT @ Quibbl: Quibbl markets their Game of Thrones coverage as the analysis of Game of Thrones that Vox is too afraid to make. But they were apparently too afraid to release the following article I wrote because everyone else at Quibbl are god fearing adults with ivy league degrees and prestigious day jobs. Fuck you I did it anyway: here’re the staff notes.

*What kind of bullshit title is that???

 

It’s All Politics

 

Whelp, week one was super tame. Seriously, no extreme violence or nudity. I think quietly we all knew week two was going to get super dark. I just didn’t expect it to get this strange. Let’s review:

This episode gets intense right off the bat with some conversation about the weather. Apparently Daenarys was actually born during a storm. This somehow prompts Daenerys to threaten Varys because he hasn’t been absolutely loyal in the past and he tried to have her murdered that one time. I’m not going to make a Trump joke here, I’m just reminding everyone that I could. Varys goes all Mao Zedong about how he is “for the people” because a Dumbledore-type cut off his dick. At least I think that was his logic. Then, Melisandre–the red priest who totally had that little girl killed two seasons ago–shows up and tells Daenerys to summon Jon Snow. Tyrion immediately jumps on the bandwagon because he met Jonny one time on the road to the Wall.

In the North apparently it’s universal black leather week because everyone looks ready for either a White Walker invasion or a Kiss concert. Jon is up to his normal Stark nonsense. Sansa is convinced that he shouldn’t trust the Targaryens or abandon the North because that’s usually what gets family members killed. She, reasonably, wants him to send an expendable emissary–perhaps Little Finger. But Jon is a Stark, and therefore also brain dead (previously dead dead), so he publicly whines, doesn’t listen to the universal plees to stay, and gives Sansa control so he can chill with Daenarys. This makes Sansa, and the audience, feel a bit better. However, before leaving, Jon decides to threaten to kill Little Finger because he confesses that he loves Sansa? I’m not sure why this pissed Jon off so much, but here’s a summary of that scene:

Cersei is going full on Trump trying to make Westeros great again. She’s convincing the Tyrell bannermen to back her because Daenerys will bring foreigners into the seven kingdoms. I was above the Trump joke earlier, okay, don’t expect me to pass twice. In the same nationalistic vein, Jaime is convincing Sammy’s dad–Randyll Tarly–to side with the Lannisters because the Dothraki aren’t from Westeros. Jaime (who by the way is 0-4 with protecting monarchs) convinces daddy Tarly to betray Olenna Tyrell because of honor and also being Warden of the South. Oh, and Cersei has an anti-dragon weapon made so she can shoot at an artifact that clearly belongs in the Smithsonian. My inner Indiana Jones is upset.  

Back at Dragonstone, Olenna talks to Daenarys about how she shouldn’t listen to Tyrion because he’s smart. According to Olenna all the lords of Westeros are sheep, and the only way to rule is to directly invade King’s Landing to prove you’re a predator. Fox News logic exists even in Westeros. For the record, that monologue functioned to fulfill the show’s weekly angst-o-meter. Instead, Daenarys decides to go with an army consisting of Greyjoy, Dornish and Tully soldiers to invade King’s landing. Meanwhile she sent Greyworm and the Dothraki to take Casterly Rock. Greyworm decides it’s time to hook up with Missandei but obviously there are some problems with that.

One week without nudity and they go full porn. I’m not even surprised.

 

Moving on…In Oldtown Jorah’s greyscale is pretty gruesome, and the archmaester decides that it’s time for him to die in exile. Apparently Oldtown has Trumpcare. Sammy appeals to professor Slughorn–I meant the archmaester–to pursue a risky operation to cure his late stage infection. He’s turned down because the operation is really “dangerous”, which may be the biggest understatement in the entire series. Sam decides that he has to try to save Jorah because Sam served under his father at the Wall and Jorah just kind of goes with it. What followed was the most repulsive medical operation ever broadcast in the history of television, and the sick sons-of-bitches who made this show decided it was a good transition to some pie.

By they way, I’m never eating any pie ever again after that transition–thanks Game of Thrones. This brings us to our favorite assassin/hungry teenager: Arya. She meets up with her old friend Hot Pie–and we’re still pretending that Hot Pie is a real name. Regardless Mr. Exposition informs her that Jon Snow is alive and in Winterfell, so Arya decides to head home. On the way she meets a Dire Wolf who she thinks in her old pet but is actually just a giant Wolf. People got upset by this scene, but I’m just happy the pack of wolves moved on. It’s a fucking pack of wolves people, they’re not poodles–they don’t eat Purina folks.

Finally let’s talk about the naval battle where everything gets fucked up. Elia Sand is about to start the second dickless porn sequence this episode with Yara Greyjoy, who explains that Theon is her protector. Then, out of nowhere, Euron “it’s not a phase mom…it’s who I am” Greyjoy shows up and butchers the entire Greyjoy fleet. Yara got cockblocked by her crazy uncle’s navy–typical. In the giant battle two of the Sand Snakes die, and Euron is about to slit Yara’s throat when he challenges Theon to save her. What does Theon, the protector, do in this trying moment? He jumps overboard. HE JUMPS OVERBOARD. Theon just let Euron murder his sister. Dammit Theon.

Weekly sidebar: What the hell is Qyburn doing? Does he just sit around and figure out how to kill things?

Your Bets of the Week

  1. We know that Jon Snow is heading to meet with Daenerys, will there be an alliances formed between the Starks and the Targaryens? Quibbl here
  2. We know she initially objected to restoring their property rights. Will Sansa take away the Karstark and Umber properties in Jon’s absence? Quibbl here
  3. Theon is floating on a log watching the victorious Euron sail away. Will Theon make it back to Daenerys? Quibbl here
  4. We know what the gift he’s bringing back to her is. Given that, will Cersei marry Euron Greyjoy? Quibbl here
  5. Jon has threatened him, and Sansa won’t listen to him. Will Little Finger turn against the North? Quibbl here

This article is part of Quibbl’s coverage of Game of Thrones, to see a map of coverage click here–all our past coverage and bets of the week

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