By Jake Klawans
Quibbl Coverage of Game of Thrones
Hello Thronies, we’re proud to introduce Quibbl’s coverage of Game of Thrones! We’re going to be doing week by week recaps and regional reviews over the next seven episodes. Oh, and of course we’re facilitating betting
At quibbl, our readers place their predictions on major events (e.g. TV shows, politics, sports), and readers who make the most accurate predictions win badges, points, bragging rights and have the opportunity to influence future coverage.
Anyway let’s get down to it. OBVIOUSLY SPOILERS!
Let the Good Guys Roll
This season gets the revenge flowing early and often as we open on Arya going full secret agent man all over the Freys. In classic Shakespearian form she masquerades as Lord Walder Frey–who we know is dead–and butchers his entire family a la red wedding featuring poisoned wine and a toast to match. After all, nothing says Thrones like a Bond villain monologue. She then rides off to chill with Ed Sheeran and a bunch of Lannister men who seem to be pretty normal. It took us seven goddamn seasons to find one group of non-psychotic soldiers. Ed sings a little ditty and they talk about their families. Arya tells them she’s off to kill the Queen because apparently she’s turned into a Blofeld type on her way home from Braavos–all she needs is a cat. Hey, can we get her a cat?
Up in the North beyond the wall we see the Night King has his army of White Walkers on the move. Also, he’s rolling through with some giants because subtlety is so overrated. Like seriously dude, we get it, you’re leading a super terrifying zombie army–the Giants aren’t necessary. Anyway, to make a long story slightly shorter, our friends at the Wall are super screwed. Oh, and Bran is back in the North below the Wall, so that’s good.
Over in Winterfell Jon Snow and Sansa Stark are butting heads, and they’re doing it publicly. Poor Jon, his leadership skills got him killed and he still hasn’t learned anything. PLEASE, STOP WITH THE JUSTICE THING. Sansa gets it. She, like the audience, is sick and tired of Starks acting like morons. Jon confronts Sansa and we see real clash between Jon’s classic Stark idiocy (I’m not calling it idealism, i’m too tired), and Sansa’s kissinger esque realpolitik–apparently she’s doing a Cersei thing now. But we’ll be fine because we have Lyanna Mormont who can protect the north on her own if the Starks are too busy staring angstily into the distance.
In King’s Landing, Cersei and Jaime are having relationship issues. Cersei sees herself as the Queen of the Seven Kingdoms, and the founder of a Lannister dynasty. Jaime sees her as the debatable queen of three kingdoms, and self preservation as the goal. After a brief fight concerning their dead children, they grimace about Tyrion and Daenerys. Angsty stares all around. Cersei explains that she’s going to try to get married and take over the world. Jaime is skeptical.
Enter Euron Greyjoy, dressed in more leather than Elvis in a sex dungeon. This dude is so unstable he makes us long for the stolid nature of King Joffrey (RIP, but not really). He shows up with a thousand ships and “two good hand.” He then proposes to Cersei because he wants power, sex, or revenge. Well, that’s what we think, no one really knows. We do know that Jaime was not happy. To borrow from Quibbl’s founder and CEO: he looked shook, as if to say “that’s my sister, nobody fucks her but me.” (Our founder is an only child.) Euron does compliment Jaime in a conversation summarized here:
Anyhow, we at Quibbl have concluded that the Lannisters are amorous carnivores and Cersei is completely insane, so just a normal day in their lives.
Over in Oldtown, Samwell Tarly is starting to get restless. Rather than learning about the history of the Long Night, the White Walkers, the Children of the Forest and all that fun stuff that could ultimately save the planet, he spends his days stacking books and scrubbing chamber pots. Also he’s tending to the sick, which includes a disfigured Jorah Mormont, who is now in jail. Regardless, Sammy’s not getting traction, so what does he do? He steals the keys to the restricted section of the Citadel library! What could possibly go wrong???
Somehow, nobody dies, and instead, our sizable protagonist manages to conveniently stumble upon a map of Dragonstone. For all of you readers with significant others or who depart your homes in the daytime, Dragonstone is the Targaryen fortress. It coincidentally sits atop a whole lotta dragonglass – basically an annoyingly rare material that kills White Walkers. Wow, Dragonstone has dragonglass–the least the writers could do is cover that gem with sexposition, but noooo, apparently we’re past that. Also, credit to Thrones for having the maesters in Oldtown live like grad students. All that sequence missed was adderall and finals. Nonetheless, Jon Snow might find that dragon bit useful.
Meanwhile at Dragonstone, Daenerys is back. She rows in with Tyrion and the gang, and proceeds to kneel on the beech rocking some William the Conqueror vibes. Then there’s a scenic march upward and around a map of Westeros moving about the homestead like Frank Underwood in the Oval. This sequence was cool as all hell, but I’m a bit confused by the choice to not give Tyrion–this shows smartest character–any lines. I guess we’ll just rely on Lyanna.
- Seeing as Jon needs dragonglass, and Daenerys has it, will Jon ally with Daenarys? After all, Tyrion is still kinda married to Sansa, and getting the Littlefinger–Tyrion–Varys gang together would be fire. Quibbl here
- Since they’re in the same place, will Sam find a cure for Jorah’s greyscale? Quibbl here
- Also, while we’re at it, Tormund-and- Brienne-Watch continues. Will they or won’t they? Quibbl here
- They’re on a collision course, so the question must be asked, will Jaime reconcile with Tyrion? Quibbl here
- What about Cersei? We know Arya’s coming for her. Is she doomed in the next two episodes since Arya’s coming for the red keep? Quibbl here